Sheer Exhaustion

After nearly four years of babies and hypothyroidism, five years of sleepness nights, 60-80 hour work weeks, etc., I'm more than exhausted, more than "dead on my feet," more than "asleep with my eyes open."

I woke up this morning at 5AM to get some exercise, which I did, in an effort to combat the growing F-A-T epidemic occuring literally all around me. I had intended to go running again tonight, but here I sit. Unmotivated to do anything but nearly nod off in front of the computer.

I told myself that I was going to push through, but where am I supposed to get the energy from? My hypothyroid symptoms still exist -- I'm sluggish and exhausted, weight gain, etc. I have three small boys that suck the living juice right from my soul, like darling little vampires. I have a job that has one might swear they had seen on the famous Dante's Inferno masterpiece (I think I may be second from the right).

How do people get through this? How do they succeed with their lives, marriages and professional careers intact? Help...

Seeking Balance

As I sit here typing in my office, I can hear the stern voice of my husband explaining the regulations on toilet paper after going to the bathroom. I've caught something about not needing 1/4 of a roll after going pee. On top of it all, our oldest is now treating the edge of the bathtub like a pool deck... jumping in cannonball form. My dear husband, who is trying to both keep his cool and keep control, is neither cool or in control...

Our Sunday evenings didn't used to be like this. We used to have nice, quiet dinners -- a stark contrast to the 10:00 PM "what do you want? I don't know, what do you want" dinners we have now while watching TV and soothing our raw nerves. We used to go to the movies, whenever, wherever. Now, the only movies we see within a year of release are animated, including Shrek the Third just days ago. We used to talk about dreams, plans and vacations. Now, more often than not, we talk about potty training, talking back, home improvement projects and job stress.

We love our children. We love each other. But, somehow (and soon) we need to find a respite, a balance, a relief. We need a little more time for ourselves so we have more energy for our children, each other, our jobs.

Better run. Sounds like my husband is losing yet another battle in the bathroom. It's possible he's now tied up in that 1/4 roll, unable to move. LOL.

My Crazy Beginnings

My mother raised me to be neat, organized, everything in its place, all "to dos" on a list to be checked off. But now, I'm surrounded by chaos... Even my chaos has chaos...

Seriously, I get up in the morning on weekdays and begin the autopilot "get em up and out" process for myself, my husband and three boys, ages 3.5, 2.5 and 1. The rule at home appears to be the bare minimum. Are the boys dressed? Am I dressed? Do the boys have their lunches? Do I have my computer and work badge? If cereal bowls make it into the sink, I feel lucky. If dirty laundry makes it into the hamper, I'm ecstatic. Yet, most of the time, it all waits like a loyal pet for me to come home from work...

We drop off at school and fight the good fight with at least two of the boys who routinely "don't want to go to school." After stress levels peak, I haul myself to work, where I'm giving more than my maximum during 60-70 hours a week. And yet, one thing remains the same... At work, I've become a piler, a scattered mess, a "junkie" without the drugs -- a state that used to be only reserved for my bedroom. Now, I'm routinely making myself crazy trying to go above and beyond for a J-O-B. I come home exhausted and often unable to offer my small children the patience they need from their mother.

I don't have time to work out (hence the additional 30 lbs after three kids in rapid succession). I don't have time to plan healthy meals for myself. I don't sleep. I don't have the quality time with my husband that I'd like. I don't talk as often as I'd like to my friends who live states away.

And yet, I try to live up to my perfect image of a wife and mom. My boys are clean when they go to school (something difficult to claim because they are boys). Meals always have fruit, veggies and dairy in addition to the main offering (protein and starch). We typically don't have juice or sugary snacks at our house. I remember "share day" on Fridays. I duck out of work to go to holiday parties at school and do my part to bring something for the potluck. I give my kids special things like birthday parties that could make Martha Stewart (and her staff) sit up and take notice. Yes, I'm pulling all-nighters for the three crazy nights before the party, but are they amazing with personal touches that you can't get from a "birthday in a box" set? Yes.

I can never seem to catch up -- groceries, laundry, piles of mail, bill paying and filing, toy organization, house cleaning, managing diaper and baby food inventories, 2 lbs gained, etc. When I focus on one item, another suffers.

So, why am I here when I have 6 loads of laundry to do, dishes to wash, beds to make and groceries to buy? I need a creative release for the stress caused by my life, including my own chaos and disorganization. I need to write, to talk and express feelings to strangers that I can't (or won't) admit to those who are closest to me.

How's that for crazy?