My mother raised me to be neat, organized, everything in its place, all "to dos" on a list to be checked off. But now, I'm surrounded by chaos... Even my chaos has chaos...
Seriously, I get up in the morning on weekdays and begin the autopilot "get em up and out" process for myself, my husband and three boys, ages 3.5, 2.5 and 1. The rule at home appears to be the bare minimum. Are the boys dressed? Am I dressed? Do the boys have their lunches? Do I have my computer and work badge? If cereal bowls make it into the sink, I feel lucky. If dirty laundry makes it into the hamper, I'm ecstatic. Yet, most of the time, it all waits like a loyal pet for me to come home from work...
We drop off at school and fight the good fight with at least two of the boys who routinely "don't want to go to school." After stress levels peak, I haul myself to work, where I'm giving more than my maximum during 60-70 hours a week. And yet, one thing remains the same... At work, I've become a piler, a scattered mess, a "junkie" without the drugs -- a state that used to be only reserved for my bedroom. Now, I'm routinely making myself crazy trying to go above and beyond for a J-O-B. I come home exhausted and often unable to offer my small children the patience they need from their mother.
I don't have time to work out (hence the additional 30 lbs after three kids in rapid succession). I don't have time to plan healthy meals for myself. I don't sleep. I don't have the quality time with my husband that I'd like. I don't talk as often as I'd like to my friends who live states away.
And yet, I try to live up to my perfect image of a wife and mom. My boys are clean when they go to school (something difficult to claim because they are boys). Meals always have fruit, veggies and dairy in addition to the main offering (protein and starch). We typically don't have juice or sugary snacks at our house. I remember "share day" on Fridays. I duck out of work to go to holiday parties at school and do my part to bring something for the potluck. I give my kids special things like birthday parties that could make Martha Stewart (and her staff) sit up and take notice. Yes, I'm pulling all-nighters for the three crazy nights before the party, but are they amazing with personal touches that you can't get from a "birthday in a box" set? Yes.
I can never seem to catch up -- groceries, laundry, piles of mail, bill paying and filing, toy organization, house cleaning, managing diaper and baby food inventories, 2 lbs gained, etc. When I focus on one item, another suffers.
So, why am I here when I have 6 loads of laundry to do, dishes to wash, beds to make and groceries to buy? I need a creative release for the stress caused by my life, including my own chaos and disorganization. I need to write, to talk and express feelings to strangers that I can't (or won't) admit to those who are closest to me.
How's that for crazy?
No comments:
Post a Comment